The Sounds of Silence: Misery
Depression. It can range from an occasional case of the blues that sometimes comes out of nowhere and for no discernable reason to an overwhelming darkness that makes life almost unbearable.
Its causes range from completely biological in nature and treatable with appropriate medication to deeply rooted psychological trauma that requires professional counseling to resolve. And then …
there’s everything in between!
Millions of issues large and small can leave us feeling anywhere from temporarily out of sorts to chronically feeling stuck in a dark hole.
Depression can be a temporary reaction to change (wanted or unwanted) and a normal response to any kind of interpersonal conflict or emotional turbulence.
It can also be a result of anger over past wounds, injustices and/or losses that we have been unable, unwilling, or maybe even afraid to express. Underneath the sadness may lie anger that somehow seems even more threatening or painful than depression.
Mourning is allowed, even expected, when we go through painful physical losses, but many - and probably most of the losses we encounter - are much more subtle. They are griefs we carry quietly within us, embarrassed to admit how much they hurt.
Whether natural, unnatural, real, or even perceived, loss is always something that leaves us vulnerable. It may be easier to feel nothing than to let ourselves feel all the grief that threatens to overwhelm us. We go numb and put ourselves on autopilot just to function at all.
Or we feel everything; we cry until we are drained and there’s nothing left.
Have you ever worn yourself out grieving … until you just couldn’t anymore?
Whether we avoid the feelings or give in until we are literally drained, we are left in the same boat: numb and just going through the motions.
That’s the worst.
Whoever changed the saying, “It’s always darkest just before dawn” into “It’s always darkest just before it goes totally black,” spoke a sad amount of truth, because that is exactly what seems to happen as blues give way to debilitating lethargy and sadness.
A sense of being worn out and irritated by life in general including everyone and everything may render us unable to identify a “bad day,” because it’s no longer an exception but rather the rule. An overall lack of energy and enthusiasm may render even the most mundane of chores overwhelming.
Experts have a lot of advice about how to overcome depression, but if we felt like doing even half of those things, we wouldn’t be depressed!
Friends who try to help may eventually give up because depressed people tend to be unresponsive to even the best of “cheer-up’ efforts. When there isn’t anything to say, no words that help, and no magic cures, there’s only so much comfort anyone can really give another. In the end, despair is a personal thing, and the cure for misery is as unique as the struggling individual.
It’s been said, “Time heals all wounds;” I don’t believe that.
There do, however, seem to be things that almost nothing but time does heal. And looking back on my personal experiences with depression, I’d agree that time, if it didn’t quite heal, at least helped.
The first time I “disappeared” into depression, it was a year or more before a few glimpses of the old me started peeking through again – not many at first but enough to provide hope that I was still in there somewhere!
I laughed at something one day and was stuck by how strange it felt and sounded; when was the last time that had happened? Another time, the happy surprise came through an all-of-a-sudden realization that I hadn’t cried while getting ready for work that morning. It had been a long road.
Small things. Simple surprises. Startling and hope-filled realizations.
I couldn’t say how it happened or what exactly changed, but I finally began to recognize and embrace new opportunities.
When I caught myself singing in the shower and wanting to initiate a lunch date with a friend, I wanted to shout for joy.
My missing spirit had found her way home … whole!
If you have ever experienced a depression journey, I’m sure you have similar tales of your own. If you are currently in the midst of one, let me encourage you.
Hanging On and Never Letting Go
Whether we are tying our own knot to hang on or trying to help someone else tie his or hers, we must remind each other to be patient and let time do its job.
In the meantime, making tiny goals instead of big commitments helps us avoid feeling overwhelmed before we even start. And any little step, no matter how small, is at least one in the right direction.
Being as kind and caring toward ourselves as we would be with someone else is another key to loving and nurturing ourselves while we are in a healing process. Take a bath; take a nap; take yourself to get a massage. You are worth it, and treating yourself like you are worth it may eventually have you believing it.
Most of all, even if we have to remind ourselves a hundred times a day, we must know we are not alone.
In the darkest moments imaginable, when life didn’t make sense at all and was unbearable to the point he didn’t even want to live it anymore, Job was able to tell God all that was on his heart.
His friends called him impertinent, but God listened.
When no one else understands our emotions, God does, and He doesn’t condemn us when we honestly pour out our hearts to Him.
When we want to crawl in a hole and die or climb into bed with the blanket pulled over our head and stay there, what we are really longing for is to be swallowed up by something big enough to contain us, big enough to overwhelm the pain inside of us and take over that which we feel we cannot survive.
God is big enough to absorb us. We don’t have to crawl in a hole; we can hide in His love. When we can’t fight anymore, God is strong enough to defeat our adversaries … external - and even more importantly - internal.
As I consider all the ways His stubborn love has refused to let go of me and all the times He’s held me securely when I couldn’t hold myself, I’m amazed and grateful.
He’s holding you, too.
Until next time, Kim