Changes, Goodbyes, and Prayer Regrets

If I had believed that seven was a lucky number, trip #7 (February 2017) would have put an end to that idea. Some of the prayers I'd been praying over the last couple of years started to be answered - but not how I'd expected. My "comfort zone" was shaken, and I learned that I am not really all that flexible, am terrible with change, and even worse with goodbyes.

Upon arriving in Guatemala, I was informed that my roommate was moving away. Without someone to share the rent, I would have to say goodbye to the house which, over the past year and a half, had started to feel like my second home.   

Shortly after arriving in Guatemala, my dear friend, Mrs. Black, died. AND the one year anniversary of saying goodbye to my sweet daddy was coming up :(                                                              

Goodbye 

Home Sweet Home...

Monjas Edition

Goodbye Mrs. Black...

She was so excited to send a big stack of her baby blankets when I went down in April 2015 to work at the orphanage.

Goodbye Dad...

My favorite picture with the first man I ever loved and the best man I ever knew.

La Fábrica, my favorite Monjas hangout, had moved to a brand new location. It was beautiful - closer, cleaner, modern, definitely better, BUT....different. I felt sad every time I walked by the old shop, which now seemed abandoned and lonely with all of its old memories.

The new La Fábrica

                                        So many happy memories in the old La Fábrica

All of the losses and changes left me feeling unreasonably sad and lost.  With much of the familiar and comfortable stripped away, I felt strangely alone and insecure.  I didn't know if I was up to the challenge of adapting and thriving in whatever the "new" was going to be.

Walfred and Roxanna graciously loaned their house on the ENRO campus, where they’d secured permission for me to live and work whenever I’m in Guatemala. Everyone was friendly and welcoming as I attempted to create a new home.

However, the campus is on the outskirts rather than the center of town. Living there as an “outsider” and visitor (with limited Spanish and limited Wi-Fi), I felt a bit isolated. Finding a different housing solution was going to be necessary.

The strange emotional state of this whole trip left me with little energy to "engage" with people or do much of anything else. I cried until my eyes hurt (literally) and couldn’t stop, so the sunglasses did double duty keeping not only the sun but also most people at a safe distance.

For the first 2-3 weeks of the trip, my car was also unavailable - an additional “inconvenience!” The good thing about being without wheels was that walking everywhere gave me lots of good chances to pray. I knew God had something to show me and struggled to be open to whatever it was.

 PRAYER REGRETS

Since returning home from the former trip, I'd been learning the Spanish lyrics to Oceans (Hillsong) and praying its message... for God to lead me where I wouldn’t go on my own, to take me deeper than I’d imagined going.

Suddenly, I wished I hadn’t prayed that because all of this wasn’t what I had in mind. 

One part of me felt like Jonah and another like Moses - but for all the wrong reasons.

Jonah wanted to do something that mattered but also wanted to approve the plan. Just like him, I had my own ideas, which I strongly preferred and didn't feel that flexible about changing; thank you. Resisting God's will, Jonah wanted to run. (In fact, he DID  run.) As tempting as it was to get back on the plane and escape to the comfort and security of home, why would I pray for God to lead me into deeper territory and use me in ways I'd never imagined only to get angry or scared and run away when He does? (Also, I'm too stubborn to admit defeat, so running wasn't an option! Haha!)

I liked the comfortable routine of hanging out at the coffee shop, chatting with folks around town, practicing Spanish, having fun with Guatemalan friends as well as missionaries from the states and just enjoying life in Guatemala. I'd been claiming to believe it was all leading to some bigger mission that God would make clear, but truthfully I was pretty content and not making any great leaps toward finding that ministry.

Then there was Moses … who thought God was asking more of him than he was capable of doing. How ironic! Isn’t that just what I’d been asking God over the past couple of years and praying for in that song? 

WHAT was I thinking?! 

Whether I didn't really expect God to answer or simply failed to consider that His ideas might be different than mine, I felt a lot like Peter… jumping eagerly out of the boast and then panicking when he realized he was in the water. 

"Where is the part like John?” I wondered… Steady, courageous, faithful John, who embraced trust over insecurity and God’s ideas over his own.

NURTURING

Probably the most beautiful thing God taught me during this crazy trip was about friendship and nurturing. Though I MUCH prefer to be the strong one who encourages and lifts up everybody else, this trip I was anything but. I don't like to be weak, but the forced vulnerability that came from running out of MY strength not only made me run into HIS but also to embrace and appreciate so many nurturing touches from friends and strangers alike.

One evening, just as I stepped out the door on my way to Carroll’s house (a whole half block away!), it started to pour. A lady standing in her doorway motioned me under her awning and made me stand with her until the rain stopped (because getting wet would make me sick!)

Another day, as I walked along the street, I was cautioned twice within a 3 block distance… first by a lady sitting outside her business who told me to walk on the other side of the street where the sun was not as strong and second, about two blocks later, by a couple of workmen telling me I needed an umbrella.

Four strangers who just cared that someone they didn't even know was safe from the rain and the sun.

And the guys at the shop were super sweet.. They didn't know what to think with me being such a sniveling mess all of the time, and they bent over backwards trying to make me feel better.

Elmer made me apple tea one day and another time left the shop, returning a few minutes later with chiclets. 

During bread prep, Bryan made a tiny hamburger bun... just for me

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Josue said he likes to eat ice cream                                                 when he is sad,                                          so he made us sundaes

 FRIENDSHIP

Dinner with Mama      Carroll and the        Heberts

What a treat... delicious, homemade, comfort food cooked by Mama Carroll and followed by a fun evening of game playing and laughter. 

Fun Day Monday... 

with Cyndi and Bev (who doesn't like selfies quite as much we do!)

                                                                                                                                                                                   Deana, Lucia and one of my favorite folks in Monjas... Mrs. Angelica!  

 La Fábrica... Making New Memories

  Practicing latte art with the new barista... You can guess which are his and which are mine!!

CELEBRATION

A visit from Cyndi's parents and Cyndi's upcoming birthday meant a great excuse for a party in English class!  These students planned a welcome/birthday celebration complete with lunch, birthday dessert and gifts for everyone (even me, a pretty common visitor). What a great group of smart, fun, and super hospitable ladies!

A greeting committee outside the pizza place

So proud of Dario, Yubiny, and Guillermo...former ENRO students who are now pursuing their college degrees!

                                                 A couple of trip highlights:

One of the trip highlights was accompanying Josue to a coffee presentation for some restaurant owners who were opening a coffee shop in a nearby town. Turns out that Josue is not only a talented barista but an excellent teacher as well.

Another was a trip to Tikal with Cyndi and her parents. We toured Mayan ruins, spent a night in the jungle (without electricity!) and watched a gorgeous sunrise while seated on an ancient pyramid....

But that's a story for another day!!

My Guatemala phone quit working; the US phone fell in the toilet; I dropped my tablet, (cracking the screen) and lost my sunglasses, so this was like a six week version of Alexander's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day and actually almost became funny (almost!)

So, in PERSPECTIVE, this trip was about

Learning flexibility

Learning to live with uncertainty

Learning I don’t have to be in control

Learning to be okay with God changing my plans

Learning to feel God’s love in unexpected ways

Learning that vulnerability, while uncomfortable, makes the nurturing touch from a friend (or even a stranger) all the more precious

Learning to love whatever and whomever the day brings

Learning that when I run out of my own strength, I run into His.

By the way…

Being back on the ENRO campus brought back happy memories from that first Guatemala Mission Trip in the summer of 2014 (Guatemala post #1: Reluctant Recruit). I didn't feel ready to go then, and I don't feel completely prepared now, but isn't it just like God to push us harder than we want to be pushed, further than we want to be pushed, and sooner than we feel ready?

God has a habit of calling us out of our comfort zones because He always has bigger plans!

Until next time, Kim