Believing in People: LISTEN
Believe, Encourage...and the "L" is for Listen!
I'm blessed to have many "believers" in my life. One of these beautiful folks is Sara.
For more than thirty years, Sara has been someone who has always been there when I needed to talk about things I wouldn't generally share. Why? Because Sara listens.
Sara doesn't interrupt or rush in with advice. She has good advice but she waits until I'm through talking and ready before she offers it. Since she isn't in a hurry to jump in, by the time she (gently) extends any suggestions, she has a real understanding of the problem; therefore, what she has to say is both specific and appropriate to my particular situation.
I confess to being one of those people who make letting others finish a real challenge. This sad fact has been brought to my attention by my wonderful (really honest) husband: "It takes you SO LONG to get to the point!!" and also by my wonderful (really honest) mother: "But, Kim, you DON'T finish!"
Bless her heart...Sara has been patient through years of verbal meanderings, and if she ever wanted to run away screaming, she never showed it. Thankfully, Sara isn't so interested in the time or the bottom line as she is in my heart being nurtured, which it is every time we are together. She hangs in there through all the details, the backtracking and the sidetracking. The truth is, those detours and details are how some of us "organize" our own inner chaos and just being allowed to say it all out loud to a caring person is, in itself, therapeutic.
I'm always in awe when reading the stories of Jesus in the middle of some crowd, teaching or healing, or possibly on His way to get some well deserved rest after a long day of both... after a long day of dealing with all kinds of people, needy ones and sick ones, the curious, the questioning, the ungrateful and antagonistic.
There are numerous times recorded throughout the gospel accounts where Jesus demonstrates a remarkable ability to rise above the roar of activity, demands and distractions around Him and focus His complete attention on a single individual in front of Him, providing the kind of nurturing attention which changed the course of that person's life.
The gift of attention... unhurried, undivided, focused attention... is one of the best gifts we can give!
Next, Sara does more than tolerate my rambling. She is engaged and expresses real interest in whatever I'm saying.
Through nods, appropriate verbal reinforcements along the way, and well maintained eye contact, she lets me know that she's with me.
In addition to giving good nonverbal signals, good listeners pay attention to various nonverbal messages of others which so often indicate feelings they may be having trouble putting into words. By tuning in to not only the words but even more so the feelings behind them, Sara asks questions that solicit thoughtful answers and show she is grasping the message I'm trying to express.
Next, Sara doesn't judge. With her, I don't have to filter or phrase things correctly or make ugly details pretty.
Leo Buscaglia, in his book, Loving Each Other, describes friendship this way:
We are careful, and rightly so, about how much of ourselves we reveal to other people. If we have something heavy to talk about, we don't dive right in as soon as we meet someone! We don't want to risk being misunderstood or, worse, rejected, so we "test the water" so to speak. We start with easy subjects and rely on the reactions of the other person to let us how far in to wade.
In my latest "confessional" with Sara, I was sharing some things I'd been struggling with but keeping inside because they just seemed too ridiculous to even talk about. In the midst of a monologue that surely would have caused most people to furrow their brows and wonder "Is she for real?" I noticed tears in Sara's eyes.
"Oh Kim, I'm so sorry," she said.
"But Sara, I know this is ridiculous. No normal person would feel this way."
(Which may have been true, but Sara didn't care about that.)
"I'm just so sorry you're hurting."
There it was.
Not a lecture. Not a reality check. Not a call to the men in the white coats. Not even an eye roll, because to Sara, it didn't matter if I was unreasonable, ridiculous or both. Why my heart hurt didn't matter...only that it did.
And honestly, my heart healed a little that day.
When the late great philosopher, Jim Rohn, advised
this must be exactly what he had in mind!
Finally, good listeners are trustworthy.
Untrustworthiness (it's a word!) has some clever disguises, but (outside, of course, of someone's life or safety being at risk) what someone says in confidence should be kept...confidential.
We can pray with friends and for friends but it is a betrayal of trust to take a friend's problems to others (including and maybe especially the "prayer group!") Encouraging a friend to seek support or counsel from someone else can be great advice but talking about them to someone else...that's gossip.
Sara knows about the worst of me, although she chooses to see the best. She's been a treasured friend and confidant for all these years because I know my secrets are safe with her, her love is unconditional, and that she is completely trustworthy.
I wish everyone had a Sara in their life because the world would be a better place if more people did.
*As "icing on the cake," I have to share that, on the way home from that cathartic afternoon, I received a text from Sara. Just a sweet, affirming note that she had enjoyed our visit.
Yes, you read that correctly!
The one who had done all the listening wrote to affirm the one who had done all the talking!
The reason I had to share that is because, while it is healthy and healing to let (a safe person) behind our carefully constructed safety barriers, lowering that emotional shield leaves a little spot of exposure that can feel uncomfortable, and vulnerability can be scary. It's easy for people to doubt themselves, so what a kind "extra mile" gesture... that quick follow up that reassures and says "You are okay."
I want to end this post with a poem that so beautifully captures the heart of this message. (I hate to use quotes that I don't know how to credit but couldn't find an author.)
Until next time!