The Sounds of Silence: Rejection
At least, nobody wants to feel alone. Yet, I imagine that most people, at one time or another, do.
We need other people in our lives, and when we are surrounded by noisy families, spouses, and kids all going through their busy routines, it’s easy to take companionship for granted. In fact, there are days we wish we could be alone - just a little!
Then one day, that noise is no longer there. For those who’ve spent their lives in loving relationships, there’s a lot to miss when they’re navigating life on their own. Hopefully, when we suffer the pains of “alone-ness” following sad losses and life adjustments, at least friends, neighbors, and extended family show up to help ease the burden.
But not always. And it isn’t only the transition to physical alone-ness that’s so painful.
There are many elderly and/or disabled people in care facilities who, though constantly surrounded by nurses, staff, and other residents have little to no contact with family. Can you imagine what it would be like to never experience the physical touch of anyone other than a doctor, therapist, or caregiver? Sometimes holding the hand of a sick person just to let them know they aren’t alone or giving a pat on the back to someone who’s discouraged is the best thing we can do to ease someone’s burden of loneliness.
There’s another kind of loneliness in which people who, though not physically alone, emotionally feel very much alone. It can happen even in normally healthy relationships.
Have you ever felt lonely or mildly depressed and turned to your best friends… only to find that, at the very time you need them most, they are temporarily out of the listening mood? … They reassure you, change the topic of conversation, or drift off into some subject they are themselves interested in. - From The Joy of Being Human by Eugene Kennedy
If you’ve ever been let down by a friend who wasn’t there when you needed someone most, you are in good company. In the dark hours leading up to His death, Jesus asked ONE thing of the friends He took with Him when he went to pray: “Stay here and keep watch with me.”
And they fell asleep.
“The tragedy is not that Jesus should have known fear in anticipation of His death but that He should have experienced it without the strength and support of his closest friends.” The Joy of Being Human, Eugene Kennedy
Then there are relationships where disappointment isn’t the exception; it’s the rule. If you’ve ever loved someone who either didn’t know how to love anyone (or didn’t love you specifically), you know that’s a lot lonelier than not being in a relationship at all.
Unrequited love has to be one of the most heart-rending things in the human experience.
Whether it’s the friend who no longer has time for you or the cheating partner who goes his/her merry way while you’re left mopping up memories of a love that was supposed to have lasted forever, the loss of relationships always leaves us vulnerable to a sense of rejection.
I imagine the prodigal son felt like this. While he was busy “squandering his wealth in wild living,” there were probably “friends” in abundance, but there sure didn’t seem to be any around when the money was gone and he’d hired himself out to feed pigs:
“He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.” Luke 15:16
Many people experience a chronic sense of isolation, not because of being alone so much as not belonging. In fact, being surrounded by a crowd of people may even magnify their discomfort, reminding them how different or awkward they feel and causing them to want to run for the cover of their own company.
Others are chronically lonely, not because they’re socially uncomfortable but because they’re socially unpleasant! I’m sure we’ve all had the displeasure of knowing a few of them! “Difficult” folks run the risk of being alienated because they are hard to get along with and not fun to be around. That said, the fact that their loneliness is their own fault doesn’t make it hurt any less.
When it comes to loving the “unloveable,” learning how to resolve conflict and control anger when challenging people push our buttons can help us reach out to them in a compassionate rather than critical manner. If we are able to be positively proactive instead of negatively reactive, we may be able to offer them the first healthy connection they’ve ever had.
We are, each of us, the product of those who have loved us … or refused to love us. Why Am I Afraid To Love by John Powell
For whatever reasons a person may experience loneliness, the one thing we all have in common is the truth of what God said from the very beginning:
“It is not good that man should be alone.” (Gen. 2:18)
Fortunately, whether we are fighting our own loneliness or looking to help someone else, the “cure” is the same. Making the effort to recognize and embrace the needs around - even in small ways - works wonders.
Making it a point to acknowledge people is easy to do but, unfortunately, way too easy not to do!
Preoccupied with what is behind, within, or ahead of us, we can miss what is right in front of us... namely the people right in front of us. And somehow this seems normal. We get used to not seeing and not being seen but deep down inside, I believe that everyone hungers for recognition.
A few ways to say, "You matter," in a world of strangers where it is so easy to feel that we don't: the “not so common” act of making eye contact, smiling, giving a polite greeting, or offering a simple compliment.
Within more personal settings, such as churches, organizations, neighborhoods, work, school, friends, and family groups, this may mean being aware of and looking for ways to acknowledge those "on the fringe," introducing them to others, making sure they are invited to come along whenever everyone else is making plans, or offering them a specific way to be involved or contribute to the group.
I once read a story about an office worker who saved some old outfits and wore them for a while whenever a new employee started work. When a friend asked why, she explained that most people, when they first started working, had to save a little money before they could afford new clothes; she wore old ones “with them” so they wouldn’t feel embarrassed in the meantime.
THERE was a lady who knew how to include people!
Whether it’s watching to make sure new folks aren’t eating alone in the lunchroom or that the fringe people get invited when everyone else is going out after work, it’s important to include other people.
I can’t leave the topic of acknowledging and including others without saying one more thing: My sister is the best at this of anyone I’ve ever known! For this reason, she is CONSTANTLY surrounded by friends (in different stages of blossoming!!) She’s drug me out of more “lonesome holes” than I can count, and I am eternally and immensely grateful for her unselfish determination to bring out the best in me and everyone else who’s blessed to have her in their lives.
Making it a point to acknowledge people isn’t going to heal deep wounds from rejection or offer the cure to the problem of loneliness but it’s a good place to start. It’s really nothing more than treating others with respect and kindness - just the way we hope others will treat us.
If you want to be like Jesus … talk to the outcasts and befriend the lonely. The People Skills of Jesus, William Beausay
Until Next Time, Kim