Don't Blame ME!
Picking up where we started before getting “derailed” last time… hahaha!
Though Abram and his wife were already well advanced in years, God had promised him a son of his own … and not only a son but a multitude of descendants. And Abram believes.
What happens next is interesting:
He also said to him, “I am the Lord, who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to take possession of it.” Genesis 15:7
After believing the incredible promise of a son and a multitude of descendants, he asks for a sign regarding the land possession. And he gets it.
The Lord gives Abram not only a sign but also a prediction regarding the captivity and release of his descendants, a promise, and a covenant.
The heavy darkness was appropriate in light of the dark period of Egyptian bondage that would befall Abram’s decendants. For himself, however, he’s promised a long life and peaceful death. Isn’t that a wonderful promise?!
While his descendants will be taken into captivity and undergo a dark period, there is light at the end of the tunnel, as God promises Abram that not only will they will return…
but also to his descendants is promised the land of some peoples whose names we have seen before and will see many more times:
Remember when we started our discussion of Abram and Sarai, and I said she is proof we don’t have to be perfect to be useful in God’s plan? Well, now we get a look at one of those “not very flattering” moments.
Sarai hasn’t been able to have children and Abram has been promised a biological heir and multitude of descendants. Whether she knows about the promise and is helping out (apparently it’s human nature to feel that God somehow needs our assistance) or whether she’s just taking her own matters into her own hands, Sarai comes up with a plan:
And Abram went along with her.
Clever? I think so. Resourceful? Yes. Wise? Not necessarily.
Letting go of our need to fix, to “help,” and to control is hard for some of us. Sometimes the hardest part about letting God’s will reign in our lives is getting ourselves out of the way long enough to let Him accomplish it.
How often does anxiety take over when things seem to be moving in the wrong direction (or maybe even the right one but not quickly enough)? How often do we convince ourselves that a little nudge wouldn’t hurt at all?
Do we secretly believe that everything would fall to pieces if not for our careful control?
I won’t speak for anyone else, but my personal haste to “run interference” has usually resulted in the worst interference of all; my “assistance” created problems that didn’t need to be and that wouldn’t have been had I been patient and realized that God can manage just fine without my help.
At any rate, back to Abram and Sarai. They move forward with the plan and Sarai’s slave, Hagar, gets pregnant. So far so good, or so it seems, but apparently Hagar throws an unexpected wrench into the works. According to Genesis 16:4, when she knew she was pregnant, she began to “despise” her mistress. (Isn’t this an interesting note on human nature?)
Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me.”
WHAAAT? How is this Abram’s fault? In the first place, this was her idea, and in the second, it’s Hagar who is “misbehaving,” not Abram.
Since this tendency to blame others has been going on since Adam and Eve and is nothing we don’t still see ALL THE TIME, I guess Sarai’s outburst shouldn’t really come as a big shock.
What does stand out is Abram’s reaction.
I’m imagining what would happen if Pat drafted me into some scheme he’d made up then came screaming at ME when it backfired! Seeing as how I don’t manage just attacks well, I’m very sure I wouldn’t be calm, cool and collected under an unjust one.
Looking at this incident from the perspective of a cooler-headed person than I (or maybe the perspective of a wise man who knows when to not make an angry woman angrier… haha!) and imagining I’d been mature enough to take the high road instead of escalating the situation, I’m led to wonder…
As a husband, wouldn’t Abram go to Hagar and stand up for his wife?
As a leader, wouldn’t he step in and help these two work things out? Wouldn’t he try to be a peacemaker?
But Abram does none of these things.
I admit to initially feeling confused and even a little disappointed at Abram’s response (or lack of).
Why didn’t he stand up to his wife? And worse, why didn’t he stand up FOR her?
That said, I’m sure the lessons here are meant to go from Abram to Kim and not the other way around, so I struggled to see what I’m supposed to learn and came up with a few observations about personal responsibility, leadership, and being a peacemaker:
First, why didn’t Abram stand up TO Sarai? His calmness at being attacked like this initially struck me as passive… maybe even a little weak, but I’m sure that’s not right. He’d dealt with Lot in a very humble way too, but he wasn’t weak then, and he certainly wasn’t weak when he went on that rescue mission and brought Lot and his fellow captives back home.
This is the same man who embarked on a new life at age 75 and who, in a story we’ll look at next time, had the faith and courage to do something I couldn’t, in my wildest imagination…imagine doing.
So, no… there’s nothing weak about Abram.
Come to think of it, there was SOMEONE ELSE who put up with an unjust attack... a lot of them, in fact… attacks which went way beyond verbal… without saying a word.
I’m in awe at the composure so characteristic of Jesus. His restraint in the face of the accusations, insults, and abuse hurled at Him throughout the entire process surrounding His crucifixion, far from signifying weakness, came from an inner and spiritual strength greater than I can even comprehend.
In Abram’s case, I suppose one might argue that he could have shown greater leadership by not going along with Sarai’s scheme in the first place; maybe he should share responsibility. I’ll just say this: even if I did feel partly responsible, I’d never say say so without adding, “But you have to admit…” Unfortunately, my need to set the record straight has less to do with concern for justice than it does concern for my ego.
Not every affront requires confrontation and sometimes expressing mercy is more important than expressing our point of view.
I have no idea what Hagar had done or said to Sarai nor what all lay behind the scenes of her “outburst”…. and that’s exactly the point. Most of the time, when a person lashes out irrationally, we don’t know.
In essence, we tend to become most “unlovable” during the times we need love most of all.
What if, instead of hearing a personal attack in Sarai’s words, Abram heard the grief of a would-be mother who thought she’d never have a child of her own, a woman who watched as another carried the child she couldn’t carry for her husband? Did he consider that her “angry words” might hide feelings of insecurity or even fear of losing his love?
What if she was really expressing humiliation at being despised by her own slave or a sense of hopelessness because her best attempt to fix her biggest problem only made the problem worse?
Maybe Abram didn’t confront Sarai because he was more concerned about her pain than about his pride.
My initial disappointment over what I perceived as weakness in Abram’s failure to “stand up” to Sarai shifted to admiration as I reflected upon what silent strength and self-controlled love allows a person to set aside his/her own ego well enough to hear another’s cries … even when those cries come out as angry accusations.
As for the next question… Though it must have been reassuring to Sarai when Abram stood with her, what if he had stood up for her? Why didn’t Abram confront Hagar on behalf of his wife?
I don’t know if his stepping in would have undermined Sarai’s authority in some way or caused her to look weak; maybe she was pleased to handle the situation on her own. But what about Hagar, who was carrying his child? Being left in the hands of an offended and angry Sarai wasn’t at all good for her.
With emotions running high between the two women, it seems a cooler-headed Abram could have stepped in and negotiated a better outcome for everyone. He wasn’t perfect; maybe he should have. More likely, however, Abram understood that it’s as important to know what to stay out of as it is what to get into.
Peacemaking is good; then there’s meddling. Before wading into someone’s emotional drama, we’d better have the discretion to know the difference!
This week I’m thankful for Abram. I’m thankful for the reminders that struggling with his story brought to my attention…
Sometimes NO RESPONSE is the Best Response
I really don’t have to participate in every confrontation to which I’m invited
Sometimes getting out of the way is a better tactic than rational argument
And I’m thankful for the challenges.
When it comes to dealing with blame
… be it deserved, partially deserved, or not deserved at all, I’m challenged to be a little slower to jump on defense and a little quicker about extending grace when someone has lashed out unfairly.
I’m thankful for those who so often have extended that grace to me and hope you are blessed with the same; we all have our moments.
Blessings until next time, and should the need arise, give a pass to a person who needs one!